Are You Single Busy, or Single Searching?
Once up on a time, I took a weekend trip to Gisenyi with some friends. Traveling to Gisenyi to relax by Rwanda’s Lake Kivu, is the closest I can get to the feeling of being by a beach, and the views of Lake Kivu at sunset are truly breathtaking.
On this particular trip, I stayed at a hotel. When I went to check in, I handed the receptionist my ID so he could write down my pertinent details. As he was copying my date of birth, he asked me if I was married. I replied that I was single. Then he looked up and asked me in all seriousness:
“Are you single busy, or single searching?”
After I finished laughing, he kindly educated me about these concepts. You see, I thought “single” was sufficient. Apparently, this was not enough. Being “just” a single woman was unacceptable. I had to either be searching for a mate, or be busy with someone who could fulfil the requirements of a mate until I found “the one”. The receptionist expressed concern at my predicament, and suggested that I remedy the situation. Quickly.
One thing that I have gathered since living in Rwanda is that one of the worst things you can be is a woman of 25 or older who is unmarried. A couple of my older single searching female Rwandese friends have relayed stories of the disapproval they get for being single … at the ripe old age of 28.
An expat friend shared how she was discussing her lack of a partner with a Rwandese male co-worker. He expressed sympathy for her state (of single searching) and reassured her that she was a wonderful woman, and would soon find someone deserving of her love. Then he reconsidered, and asked her how old she was. Once she told him she was 31, all the sympathy and reassurance he previously displayed went right out the window. “31?! You’re out of time! You should be married already!”
I think women across the world are increasingly bonded by the struggle to do and have it all. Many of us would love to be in stable relationships, but find that it’s hard to balance that with pursuing multiple degrees, focusing on professional success, and crossing items off our bucketlists. So marriage is happening at a later stage of our lives, if at all. Many of us also feel that there are many things we would like to improve about ourselves before being bound to someone for the rest of our earthly lives. Coming from a family that was largely focused on education, I really did not have any pressure to marry. That is, until after I got my second degree and my beloved mother started making requests for grandchildren. I kindly pointed her in the direction of my older brothers and their partners who are proven babymakers. Sorry mommy, not yet!
So to the dear receptionist I say: I am single. Not searching, not busy. Just single, period. And that is ok.
hahaha you cannot just be single… I’ve never heard such things in my life. Cultures really do differ. Donna you and I are in the same boat. We are SINGLE. No additional description needed.